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Commuter Couples and Distance Relationships: Living Apart Together (2009)
Author:
Mary Holmes
, Flinders University
Date: April 2009 Basic Concepts & Definitions Loving couples are usually expected to live together, but there are a variety of types of couple relationships in which partners do not share a household. Living apart together will be the term used to cover all of these non-cohabitational relationships, whether heterosexual or homosexual, married or unmarried. Living apart together couples have an ongoing self-defined couple relationship without everyday cohabiting (Levin & Trost, 1999, pp. 280-281). Some living apart together couples live nearby and others further away. Those who live further apart will be referred to as commuter couples and/or distance relationships. Couples living apart together each have their own “home,” so this does not include young couples still living with parents. Some argue that those living apart together are different from commuter couples in giving roughly equal importance to each home. Commuter couples and distance relaters supposedly have a main household and a second apartment, which the commuter travels between (Levin, 2004). However, this distinction is not maintained here because research suggests that most commuter couples and distance relaters give each partner’s household fairly equally importance and take turns to travel between them (Gerstel & Gross, 1984; Holmes, 2004, 2006). Commuting and distance relating usually refers to partners who live apart because they have professional careers that are difficult for them to pursue within the same town. Most dual-career couples find that they need to live apart, or, at a minimum, consider the prospect of living apart together, in order to establish careers in their professions or in order to be promoted (Green, 1997; Gross, 1980). The term “distance relationship” is sometimes used to focus on the particular issues associated with pursuing an intimate couple relationship whilst living far apart (Holmes, 2004). However, “commuting” and “distance” can be used interchangeably to describe non-cohabitation across different locations. Importance of the Topic to Work Family Studies Commuter and distance relationships have come about as a result of more women working and couples having to manage two careers. These are excellent examples of some of the diverse responses to dealing with the often competing demands of workplace and home life. Much of the focus in the limited research on this issue has been on more privileged couples and tends to focus on cases in which one partner is compelled to migrate to seek work; these couples tend to conform to the absent-husband pattern mentioned above, even if it is now often women breadwinners who are away (Chandler, 1991; Golam Quddus, 1992; Hochschild & Ehrenreich, 2003). There are similarities, but couples compelled to be apart by poverty face different issues than those faced by more privileged couples. For professional couples, separation is not necessarily “chosen,” but there is a dimension of choice, as it is a way to ensure that both partners can pursue professional work that may hold considerable meaning beyond providing a livelihood (see Schvaneveldt, Young, & Schvaneveldt, 2001). For example, one distance relater commented that “you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t think it was very important that you both had a [satisfying] job” (Holmes, 2004, p. 191; see also Gerstel & Gross, 1984, pp. 45-49). Commuting raises questions about changes in family life as women have gained social status and taken on professional work. New forms of distance relating were noticed in the late 1970s by social scientists researching the increasing numbers of dual-career couples. The Rapoports’ 1978 collection, Working couples, contained Farris’s findings from her master’s thesis on commuting (Farris, 1978). In the same year, Kirschner and Walum (1978) discussed “two-location families” in the first volume of the journal Alternative lifestyles. Attention was on commuter marriages because only married couples living apart would have been observable before unmarried cohabitation became common (Levin, 2004). This early research found that couples typically decided to move apart if a special job or educational opportunity arose for one partner. A diversity of arrangements existed, ranging from tens of thousands of miles of distance and limited contact to much closer proximity and more frequent contact. Weekend togetherness was usual for about half the couples. Once apart, they usually encountered financial strain and struggled to maintain intimacy. Commuter couples found their situation less stressful if both partners were highly career oriented, if husbands were supportive of their wife’s strong career orientation, if they did not have children, if they had a long-established marital relationship, and if they were not too far apart geographically. Distance relationships seemed to indicate that many women were no longer prepared to be the “trailing spouse” (see Green, 1997) following their husband wherever his work dictated. More emphasis was being put on the woman’s career, even if it meant separation. Research in this area has centrally revolved around evaluating living apart as an attempt to achieve some balance between work and family demands. Work on commuting and other dual-career couples was a key part of attempts to understand how work and family are integrally linked. This was evident in the most comprehensive sociological study of commuting couples, by Naomi Gerstel and Harriet Gross (1984). In the 1970s, Gerstel and Gross had both researched commuter marriages and combined their qualitative data to give them a sample of 121 respondents, half of whom had children. Their argument was that commuter marriages illustrate how the economic system’s demand for mobile workers clashes with traditional patterns of shared family cohabitation. Both Functionalist and Marxist arguments have proposed that the nuclear family suits capitalism’s needs, but Gerstel and Gross’s work challenges this fundamental tenet of early thinking on work and family. They propose that the demands of work and the demands of family are in conflict and that individual families are forced to find ways to juggle these competing demands. Smaller studies on commuting in the early 1990s confirm Gerstel and Gross’s findings, as does much other research on living apart together. The advantages of living apart (as expressed by couples) include a greater sense of autonomy for women and a generally fairer division of household labour. Both partners also noted increased ability to divide work from leisure time and that their time together was of higher quality. Drawbacks could include the problems of maintaining intimacy and dealing with conflict, especially without being able to touch and hug. There was also tiredness from travelling and problems with planning for the future. Despite their drawbacks, these relationships have had some success as an attempt to deal with the conflict between work practices and family needs. The geographical mobility of those living apart, sometimes at a distance, may be part of ongoing circulations and life-course shifts rather than permanent migrations (Bell, 2001; Green, 1997; Green & Canny, 2003; Holmes, 2006). It has its problems, but living away from one’s partner is not inevitably dissatisfying (Bunker, Zubek, Vanderslice, & Rice, 1992; Gerstel & Gross, 1984; Govaerts & Dixon, 1988; Holmes, 2006; Houghton, 1993; Pollard, 1990). Such relationships are usually highly committed (Borrell & Ghazanfareeon Karlsson, 2003; Gerstel & Gross, 1984; Holmes, 2004, 2006; Levin, 2004; Roseneil, 2006). Family and relationship demands cannot necessarily be “balanced” against the powerful claims of the workplace, but living apart together can be a realistic and even sometimes rewarding way to work and love within current social constraints. State of the Body of Knowledge Within the social sciences, different disciplines have all had an interest in commuting and distance relationships. The psychological literature on distance relationships has focused on evaluating the satisfaction such a lifestyle brings in comparison to cohabiting relationships and usually provides advice. Some claim that commuting and distance can make work more satisfying, but relationships less so (Bunker et al., 1992); others posit that there is little difference in satisfaction between commuting and non-commuting couples and that, in some cases, distance might make relationships more satisfying (Govaerts & Dixon, 1988; Guldner, 2003; Jackson, Brown, & Patterson-Stewart, 2000). The satisfactions are usually similar to those noted in the paragraph above, but problems can arise from the individualised measures of satisfaction usually employed by psychologists. These can overlook the impact of wider inequalities on couples and oversimplify shifting interdependencies between partners. Geographers offer more consideration of the social and spatial context of such relationships and are interested in commuting as a form of geographical mobility that is used to replace migration. This shifting around has been termed circulation (Bell, 2001). Some terms can be confusing, however, as key geographical research on “commuting” initially refers simply to a longer drive to work each day (Green, 1997; Green, Hogarth, & Shackleton, 1999). There is some discussion of dual-residence distance relationships, which concentrates on the sustainability of such lifestyles. This work notes their potentially energy-greedy impacts on infrastructures providing work, transport, housing, and other services (Green & Canny, 2003). Research on commuting and distance relationships, in all their forms, can help test theories about the extent to which traditional or conventional ways of relating have become less dominant in the face of 21st-century living. Cohabitation, or at least proximity, is thought essential for intimate relationships, but distance relationships and other “life experiments” (Weeks, Heaphy, & Donovan, 2001) suggest that people are creative in making bonds with others that do not follow traditional blueprints (Budgeon & Roseneil, 2004; Weston, 1991). The development of communication technology, especially telephones, mobiles, and the Internet, have brought new possibilities for making and maintaining relationships across distance (Baldassar, Baldock, & Wilding, 2007; Holland, 2008; Wilding, 2006). There is still much to be done, however, in terms of exploring the complex relationships among individualisation, globalisation, geographical mobility, changing work and communication practices, sexual identities, and the ways in which people love and care for each other. Implications for Research and Practice Living apart together and commuter/distance relationships are difficult to measure quantitatively, and better information is needed on the extent of this phenomenon. Much large-scale survey research fails to portray the complex relationships among family members and couples, especially across households. The ways information is collected on individuals and families make it difficult to capture couples living apart. Relatively recent surveys have included questions about partners in other households (Ermisch, 2000), but estimates vary depending on different definitions of living apart together. Based on Ermisch’s (2000) analysis of the British Household Panel Survey and Kiernan’s (1999) of the European Family and Fertility Survey, it appears that as many as one-third of those in Europe not married or cohabiting may be having a relationship with someone in another household. Haskey (2005) uses the Omnibus survey to estimate that around 2 million non-married people in Britain are in serious relationships that involve living apart together. However, he excludes those married couples who may cohabit and uses a survey that does not include the over 60s. Figures collected in Norway and Sweden suggest that 8-14% of those who are not married or cohabiting are in living apart together relationships. This probably constitutes up to 4% of those populations, but that may be a conservative estimate given the strict definition used. It is noted that French and German scholars suggest slightly higher figures in their own nations based on broader definitions (Levin, 2004, pp. 228-229; Levin & Trost, 1999, pp. 282-283). In these European figures, it is not known how far apart such couples live. In the United States, psychologist Gregory Guldner (2003, p. 1) has done his own research and claims that one-quarter of non-married people in the United States live in a long-distance relationship. This means that as many as 2.5 million people (not including hundreds of thousands in the armed forces) might be in some form of long-distance relationship. However, he includes relationships between college students and others that may be less serious or lasting and which are excluded by Haskey. All these figures remain tentative, and, given the snapshot aspect of most of their sources, may fail to indicate the importance that commuting plays in dual-career couples’ efforts to combine work and loving. Various social practices may need to be reexamined in the light of information about distance and commuting relationships. There are important corrections that research into non-cohabitational and distance relationships makes to various potential misconceptions about modern living. Those who live alone when not with partners may be inflating the statistics on single-person households, and they raise questions about common portrayals of lonely singles (Holmes, 2006). There are also considerable policy issues attached to distance relating around transport, housing, and other needs. It has been noted in the United Kingdom, for example, that much mobilities research “overemphasises individualised networking,” and transport policy needs to account better for the fact that “many mobile professionals are constrained by their relationship” (Larsen, Urry, & Axhausen, 2006, p. 33). Changes in employment policies could make it easier for people to arrange their relationships around work. However, Hochschild’s research (e.g., 1997) suggests that something more radical than individual leave entitlements might be required. Employment policies that are likely to be of most help to commuter couples are those allowing flexible work arrangements, which are beneficial to all workers. One exception is spousal hire, which is specifically designed to help couples avoid commuting (see the Encyclopedia entry on spousal supports provided by employers: http://wfnetwork.bc.edu/encyclopedia_entry.php?id=15014&area=All). This approach has been most commonly used by universities keen to attract academic “stars.” It may work, but can leave the trailing partner with colleagues who are resentful of their presence if other appointments in the department are then delayed or cancelled. Often, spousal hire simply cannot provide the kind of job the spouse needs or requires (Ferber & Loeb, 1997, pp. 301-303). Flexible working hours and the ability to work away from the workplace can be good for all workers and are mentioned by distance relaters as helpful in making their relationships possible and bearable (Holmes, 2004, 2006). Given the current ease of communication facilitated by the Internet, email, and telecommunication, there seem few barriers to flexible working for professionals. Policies requiring employees to reside nearby should not be applied unless an employee’s presence is really required, as, say, with doctors on call. Frequent meetings that demand employees’ attendance need to be minimised and carefully timetabled. Again, technology should make alternatives possible, although they cannot entirely replace face-to-face connection. Rather than calling for better transport links, communication alternatives can be used to help create more environmentally sustainable ways of working away. No matter what the policies are, however, some couples may continue to choose not to cohabit--for work and other reasons. Research on distance relationships and commuting couples can assist in the evaluation of the extent to which individualisation is affecting social life. Even non-cohabiting relationships seemingly based on high levels of independence may involve inequalities and interdependence. And caring bonds are maintained across large distances (Baldassar et al., 2007). This area could benefit from more engagement with migration studies and theories about globalisation. Practices of working and loving are currently heavily infused with issues of “race”/ethnicity, religion, security, home, and care. Also, the “everyday migration” that is part of distance relating can be physically and emotionally exhausting, but sometimes exciting. Emotions and bodies need acknowledging in order to appreciate how distance relationships relate to well-being. Variations in such relationships emerge around varied economic wealth, views on gender, work options and practices, and transport and communication provisions. Whether more and more people will relate at a distance depends on women’s numbers and status in the workforce and on major forces affecting labour markets such as recession and climate change. Intimacy and relationships are also being altered as new possibilities arise concerning who to love and how. Heterosexual cohabitation is not the only, nor inevitably the best, way to organise love. More quantitative data on non-cohabitational relationships would help indicate how common such relationships are, providing a richer context for more qualitative research. Knowing more about distance relationships and living apart together can help us understand how current social conditions constrain and/or enable different social groups as they attempt to find meaningful and satisfying ways to work, love, and live. References Anderson, E. A., & Spruill, J. W. (1993). The dual-career commuter family: A lifestyle on the move. Marriage and Family Review, 19, 131-147. 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