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For a moment, I want to put aside most of the work-life balance advice you have heard and have you think about what your family and friends really need or want from you. This brings me to my first, and only, question: When was the last time you asked?

A friend and I recently discussed how few people ever ask others what they can do to improve their relationships or better meet another person’s needs. We usually assume we know what other people need from us and act accordingly. Think about how much time and energy we spend trying to balance the demands of our work and personal life based solely on what we believe is needed to succeed as a parent, an employee, or a friend. What keeps us from asking others what they need from us? Is it our fears? Are we are afraid of the response we might get? Are we afraid of having to change our current behaviors? Do we deny that we could ever be part of the unbalance in our work-life problems?

Perhaps I can better illustrate this point with a personal example. I am a Ph.D. student, I work about 40 hours a week, and volunteer in my “free” time at a local cooking school. Despite being passionate about helping others achieve work-life balance, I struggle to achieve this for myself! About a year ago, I took a class at school with Marshall Goldsmith, and he encouraged me to ask my family and friends what I could do to be a better daughter, sister, and friend.

With great hesitation, I proceeded to email my parents, my younger sister, and a few of my closest friends. After hitting send, I wished I could have included a disclaimer saying if they were too busy to respond, or if they could not think of any suggestions, it was okay and I completely understood. As it turned out, none of them were too busy and all of them had suggestions. I admit that their responses were not easy to hear; however, they made me realize I had been creating a lot of stress in my life by trying to do everything I thought they wanted from me and very little of what they actually wanted.

Having the courage to ask others what they need from us, may be a crucial step towards creating balance in our work and personal life. When you know what other people want most from you, there is no longer the need to spend all your time and energy trying to also do the 25 other things that are not as important. Your child may want you to attend their basketball game just once a week or your spouse wants to go out for a movie just once a month or, like me, your family and friends just want you to call them more often. Whatever their need, you are never going to know unless you ask.