The Feminine Mistake
Julie Schwartz Weber May 21st, 2008
I just completed The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts. I found it an interesting though narrowly focused read. While Bennetts argues compellingly that women should opt to work, instead of staying home childrearing or housekeeping, she is only truly addressing women with means. That is, women whose spouses can support them, or, if they choose to work, have no trouble affording or accessing necessary resources, like quality childcare or vacation time. As research continually documents, most American women are not able to choose whether they would like to work, but must work to survive financially. And many women do not have the means to access or afford the resources necessary to juggle work and home responsibilities.
Bennetts’ main theme is that too many women still believe in the age old fairy tale – marriage to and full financial support from Prince Charming, children, stay at home motherhood– much to their and their children’s future detriments. Instead, Bennett argues that all women should work continually outside the home to protect themselves financially, emotionally, and intellectually. She writes,
“ . . . .protect yourself against economic hardship by maintaining the capacity to support yourself. Protect your children by making sure you can take care of them financially should anything happen to their father. Protect your future happiness against nagging doubts harbored by frustrated stay-at-home mothers who . . . fail[ed] to explore their full potential…”
Bennetts draws from numerous examples of women who were surprised and shocked by how their family life unfolded – due to spouses’ early deaths, divorces, illnesses, and the like. Many women who had opted not to work or to be involved in the family’s finances, were suddenly forced into poverty or tight financial situations when the unexpected occurred – and had much difficulty in finding employment or themselves, after having not worked for many years. She also lays out myriad examples of women (like herself) who were able to work and have kids, and how it benefited the marriages, the kids, and the women.
Yet, Bennetts fails to addresses the “how-tos” for most women in making the work-family balance work. How do most women gain access to quality child care? How do most women tend to the needs of their elderly relatives while working and child rearing? How do most women have access to flexible schedules or sick and family leave?
Thoughts?
I haven’t read the book, but I’m going through the struggle right now. My husband and I have been very responsible in thinking about the timing of having children with respect to our financial state and professional trajectories. We both work and make very good salaries and we both have very flexible schedules and yet the cost of childcare is astronomical, even for the small amount of time that we will be in need (1-3 days/week).
If I decide not to be a stay-at-home Mom (which I do not think of as any sort of professional failure), my “maternity leave” is whatever sick time and vacation time I’ve managed to save, but since I’m a new employee I’m still in the process of earning both, i.e. I have to wait to become pregnant and I absolutely cannot take vacation for the first two years, and I can only cross my fingers when it comes to illness. Even if I can save a whole 6 weeks of paid leave, the thought of leaving a 6 week old in day care breaks my heart, and yet I may have to do it. Finally, if I do get pregnant I have to hide it until I’m off probation because although its not a legal reason to fire an employee the pairing of these two events for new employees is too frequent to be a coincidence.
It just frustrates me so much how working women (and men) are not at all supported in matters of raising a family and maintaining professional integrity, not to mention financial stability. I wonder how many couples wait to have children because they’re actually preoccupied with their jobs versus the reality that young people simply can’t afford a family, especially because new employees are at high risk for termination.
Bennets’ anecdotal evidence is largely archaic.
I’m a SAHM who invests, balances the checkbook, makes all major purchases and manages to read peer reviewed journals (as opposed to the blathering sanctimonious chick lit that Bennets writes).
The Mommy Wars showcase the worst of human nature. Why not congratulate me for my choice? I’m delighted when my girlfriends are promoted.
In real life, we all make sacrifices and take risks. This subject doesn’t warrant a book, it’s barely worthy of a blog post from a relic.
I enjoyed my work/career. I believe in God. I married the love of my life. A man with the same values of honesty and integrity and desire to work hard and give back to community. He is not a fairytale. But believing in fairytales helped me find him. Believing in fairytales helped me create the life I wish to live. And Disney World is one of my favorite places to bring my kids.
I opted out because raising children is a full time job that i wanted to do. I had great mentors for the position. I had a vision of what I wanted to provide and share with my family. My liberal arts and master’s degrees gave me resources to address challenges. Our income is my salary too. I save a lot of money on not wearing business attire, paying commuting expenses.I am developing skills as I raise my children by doing things outside the “paid” labor force. I have diverse networks. I keep abreast of the latest technologies and world news. I have friends who work in the “paid” work force and have children. I love my friends.
No one can predict what the future holds. For me the issue is not that choosing to “opt out” is a bad decision with terrible potential financial consequences for most women in society at large.
For me the issue is “re-entry” into the “paid” labor force. There is no “structural system” for women’s re-entry into the workforce. No uniformed consistent structural system that says to a woman or a man…”take care of your children they are our future citizens….your love, nurturance and attention to their needs is as important as Senator McCain, Obama, Hillary Clinton’s job to run for president of the United States of America. And when your children get to where you think they should be based on your skill, experience and knowledge and you want or need to come back…the process will be easy because we have thought of every single thing that you will need to successfully re-enter with no penalties incurred.”
Imaginge minimized conflict for everyone over the decision to choose to opt-in or opt-out.
Jennifer, that’s awesome, but how the heck are ya gonna sell books without a villain?